Recharging

I am an introvert. No, that doesn’t mean I’m anti-social and never talk except to my cat at late hours of the night. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like you either. It just means that every once in awhile I need some time to be alone to recharge my energy. Just as having assignment after assignment due at school can be exhausting, I find the continuous presence of others to be a tad draining.

One of my friends and I have a running joke that my favorite hobby is to “go home and lie on the floor and contemplate the meaning of life”. Admittedly, that’s not too far from the truth. There’s something so utterly calming about being left alone to do nothing. Part of that has to do with the fact that amid our chaotic high school lives, those moments are hard to come by. I, for one, am well aware of the challenge in finding my alone time, which often leads to late nights of lying in bed contemplating one abstract concept or another.

The problem with this, of course, is that it’s an ugly cycle of attempting to solve exhaustion with even more sleep deprivation. Ultimately it comes down to whether or not I think it would be worth it to get that extra bit of sleep. Increasingly, I tend to allow common sense to take over and I manage to lull myself to sleep at relatively reasonable hours of the night. Still, there are nights after particularly rough days when I can’t help but allow myself some time to stay up a little longer to listen to my Yiruma Pandora station and wonder the fantastical “what if’s”.

I suppose I could find another time during the day to get my “recharge time”. It would definitely be beneficial to my health seeing as I’m reasonably certain my lack of sleep has already taken off several years of my life. However, our regular school days allow for very little to no chance to find that time. During my freshman year, when I was still considered the “new kid”, I spent the majority of my lunch periods in the South Attic of our school. Sometimes a few other people would be up there practicing, but they rarely paid me any attention. However as I have become more engrossed in student life, it became increasingly more difficult for me to sneak away.

At this point I have essentially resolved to compromising with myself. I do my best not to hide away during the school days. I talk to friends, attend thespian meetings during lunch, and even sit in the hallways, rather than in some hidden corner, to do my homework. The trade off, of course, is that I continue to use my “secret survival strategy” because ultimately that alone time doing nothing is what keeps me going.

If I Were To Die Today

The way I see it, we have no choice but to make our individual lives count. I mean, we already waste a pretty substantial portion of time waiting in lines, watching useless Youtube videos or staring blankly at black boards containing information many of us will never need again. So take away all that time and really, our lives are pretty short.

On top of that, we only get one shot. One chance to make our lives mean something because ultimately we’re all going to disappear into oblivion. Billions of people lived on this planet prior to our existence and, assuming we don’t continue to screw up our world, billions of people will come after us. Most of those people have been long forgotten as will the majority of us. Perhaps a few of us will become prominent figures in politics or make some grand discovery but for the most part, the only people whom our lives will truly matter to is ourselves.

Admittedly this is often my consolation after undoubtedly rough math exams. However, it has also resonated with me since the idea of the inevitable demise of this planet occurred and then suck in with me. It wasn’t a grand discovery or anything. Just a product of far too many empty hours of the night in which I was left to contemplate the meaning of life.

Of course, learning to live with the intention of leading a meaningful life begs the question, what makes each life matter? If it hasn’t already, this is where everything gets really complex because we live in a society in which we are perpetually preparing for the future, so often the present fails to lack meaning. Think about it, when we’re children we go to school. Why? To prepare ourselves for our jobs. And then why do we work? Well, partially to feed ourselves and families but also to save money for retirement.

I once listened to a talk in which the speaker asked the audience to consider, what if we all dropped dead at that very second? Would we be satisfied with the life we had led or would we have wished we had done more? I went home that day mulling the question over and came across that conclusion that in fact, I would have wished for a different life. That was when it became clear to me that something needed to change. I wanted to lead a life in which on any given day I could look back on it and be content.

It started with small adjustments. I stopped putting on a show for others. I began distancing myself from people who made me uncomfortable rather than putting on a faux gregarious aura around them. I chose to participate in various activities because they genuinely made me happy, not because my friends were all involved in it. It was liberating. And the more I learned not to mind the scrutiny of my peers, the stronger I felt.

I joined cross country that year. It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t one of the varsity runners. I ran because, despite all the odd looks I received from people when I explained to them that I do indeed enjoy running several miles a day, I genuinely enjoyed it. Even during the really rough portions of the season when I was  running (literally) on only a few hours of sleep a night and desperately missing my friends involved in other activities I never regretted joining the team.

Gradually those sentiments spread to my other passions. To this day, I continue to lead a my life in a direction in which I can look back and smile and know that I’m pleased with the path I chose to take. So yes, some day in the future I will be forgotten and will cease to exist but at least I know that I’ll have lived the life I always wanted.